Story nr. 3

From Civilmedia

Nobody was here.

V, Kim, 0/1 were in Salzburg for one day, they worked for the space agency, they spoke with one another.

V says: "Where are the people in this country?"

Kim replies: "I don't know."

0/1 Robot says: "I know I can see in my file they migrated to Africa and South America".

V and Kim asked "Why? Here it is really beautiful, there are beautiful mountains, lakes, snow, what is happening? They are not happy in this BEAUTIFUL LAND?"

0/1: "Well, you know, since the ice age has come back, people have got a bit fed up with mountains and snow."

V: "Yeah, but nine billion people cannot live between both tropics."

Kim: "This is just temporary. I heard mission "Life on Mars" returned with great news. They think of setting the first colony next year."

V: "Well, I wouldn't be so optimistic about it. Mars is in middle of fucking nowhere. There is just some frozen water."

0/1: "NO, YOU ARE NOT RIGHT. I HAVE DIFFERENT INFO IN MY DATABASE. LOT OF UNKNOWN ORGANIC ACTIVITY WAS SEEN BY THE SENSORS THERE.

Kim: "Right! That sounds exciting! Let's go and check it out!"

V: "Well, whatever… Maybe they are having parties and drugs there all the time - this so-called "unknown organic activity". Maybe it is miss-spelled and it is unknown orgasmic activity!"

Kim: "That would be cool, men!"

0/1: "PLEAES, DO NOT CALL ME MAN, I AM NOT!"

V: "Right, me neither. You know it pisses me off when someone calls me like that."

Kim: "Oh sorry, I forgot you are..."

0/1: "Hausfraumotherboy. That’s my tribe's name. We are old and dignified people. We do not abide by your customs, your tastes or your inclinations to reduce everything to the penispossessors. We are men in our fingers, women in our legs and cross species all through our nether regions and thoughts. We transfer cultural knowledge and information through sweet, cream filled cakes. We are Salzburg dwellers."

Kim: "Ah, but the cake is dangerous, too – or dangerous if you are not careful. In it there are secret messages from our ancestors that we need to decode. The problem with the cake is that is so delicious, people gobble it up without being attentive to the messages, and the messages will save us, or at least for a time."

V: "Okay, okay, we need to be serious now. We are the only ones here. Do you think we should do something about it, or should we just experience the luxury of the empty city?" 0/1:"Well, I don't want to leave the cake, not just yet – especially when it is bound up with such important information. WE need to make a big cake, and use it to communicate to the people who have left us here. We could also give short updates about the baking process, so people can get excited about it and build up, what was called in the old days, media frenzy and then, oh my creature friends, I am sure everything would come back here."

V: "But are you sure those short media updates work? Don't they just drive you insane? Who cares if we put the flour together with the butter or if it's gone into the oven?"

0/1: "Come on, it's innovative. We have to exploit all available channels to us. We don't want to leave the city (the cake's too good) but our messages can. It's way better than telepathy."

Kim: "I'm not sure, but I will try anything. Why not?" 0/1: "Exactly, let's get to the kitchen. I've got some lovely pinnies we could all wear. We'd look gorgeous."

Salzcake, 2067 Mission: 57600017XX01 Report by 0/1/2/0/0

I hereby report that we have landed on yet another deserted site, obviously a site of former ritualistic activity involving the baking of cakes. (Other sources claim that they were made without heat-induced procedures.) We have found no signs of life so far but our ansibel receives a persistent signal. We were yet unable to decode it however it seems vaguely familiar. My ancestor, hausfraumotherboy, also known as 0/1, used to make cakes that made very similar sounds. They came from the very essence, the depth of the cake-heart and as disappointing as this might sound, it was just pre-iceage classical music. Music-lovers on-board claim that this music was made by the famous composer called Queer Moz’t Kugel.